Going Against the Grain

I've never been one to push back. I obey the rules at all cost. I am a people pleaser, and that often leads to being a pushover. I think I might have ended that this week (at least in one circumstance).

This week, after much deliberation and prayer, I have made a decision that many people will not understand. I am saying goodbye to school even though I'm only two classes and an oral comp away from finishing my graduate degree in music. At one time, a higher education and title was my goal. I wanted to get a masters and possibly a doctorate in my field. I'm not sure why anymore...maybe for the title or recognition. Maybe I wanted to exceed everyone's expectations of me.

After taking a few years off from school because of a few personal issues (marriage and a baby), I was terrified to go back. I had no desire to finish. I felt oppressed every time I thought about entering the academic world again. I feel as if I have found my calling in life, and it is not to spend my life sitting in a desk while someone else is taking care of my child. But with some encouragement from others, I signed up for my next to last class this semester. I went at it with a little apprehension but with hope that God would sustain me, and that I would find a renewed passion for school.

After my first class session, I was overwhelmed to say the least. I did the responsible thing and sat down with my calendar and syllabus. I made out a detailed schedule of the things I needed to do everyday to complete the requirements to achieve an A. My husband kindly told me that "you don't have to make an A. You just need to pass." I smiled and nodded, but knew deep down that isn't how my life works. I strive to impress. My goal is to blow everyone else away, and have the teacher smiling and nodding at me and asking me to teach the class by the end of the semester. That's how I roll...in my mind at least.

After three days of reading every spare second I had (my daughter decided this was the week to test me in every way imaginable), I tallied up the pages and I had read a grand total of 7 out of the 150 required that week. I was totally stressed out, and I got upset every time Hannah made a sound or required any ounce of my attention. Was this how I really wanted to spend the next 5 months to a year?

So, I'm making the decision to do what is best for me. I feel that this decision is a step in the right direction. I'm not trying to please others. I'm not listening to the people that tell me I am crazy or that I will regret this decision. Society tells us that you have to have an education to make it in the world now. If you don't have a good job and make good money, you have not succeeded in life. You have failed on so many accounts.

But, thank the Lord, my happiness doesn't lie in my bank account, title, or social position. I have found joy in being a wife, a mother, and a woman of God. I have found happiness and contentment in trying to be the person God has created me to be. Jesus lived a counter-cultural life. He didn't do things the way everyone thought they should be done. He didn't live in prosperity of things on earth. So why should I?