My Story - God's Healing

Have you ever had something difficult in your life that you feel as if God is telling you to share and you just want to hide instead of following his nudging?  Yeah….I’m right there with ya!

I’ve struggled with addiction for over 20 years.  I had no idea it was an addiction until two years ago; I just thought I was broken and screwed up.  But it’s now time for me to share and continue to heal.

I can remember from very early on (as early as age 8) this uncontrollable urge to eat ALL.THE.TIME.  I ate every meal with my family, but couldn’t wait until I was left alone to eat everything I could get my hands on.  I lived the next 20 years in this pattern. I would wait until everyone was out of the house and steal food from the kitchen.  Cleaning the kitchen was my chore growing up, and it was the perfect opportunity to eat the leftovers, or clean everyones’ plates.  I was ashamed, and told myself over and over that I wasn’t going to do that again.  I thought I just needed more resolve or the willpower to stop.  I would have these binge episodes and then go outside and run around the house to try to burn off the huge amount of calories that I consumed.  

I was overwhelmed with the shame and confusion of my inability to stop.  It continued through my adult life.  I would do well on a new eating plan or diet for a few days, and then one night (totally unexpected) that urge would hit and I would give in to it in a huge way.  It would start simply; a cookie, even cereal, or mashed potatoes, or mac n cheese.  And then it would be all of those things and much more.  I didn’t get it!! Why could I not stop??  I would go into a depression and start shutting everyone out, especially my husband.  

We made a huge and stressful move from Indiana, our jobs, church, friends, new house, to live in Alabama.  This was when my eating was at its worst. The more I would try to control it the more I lost control.  I remember sitting in the living room of our new apartment in Alabama, and I saw a commercial…it listed out everyone of my symptoms and feelings that I had been dealing with for 20 years.  I had a name…B.E.D.  Binge Eating Disorder.  An addiction. An eating disorder.  I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that before.  I was devastated but liberated at the same time.  I wasn't alone!  For the first time, I wasn’t alone.  I wasn’t the only one that struggled in the same way.  

It was a long time before I was able to say that aloud.  Matt was the first one that I told.  He was my rock, my support.  I tried so many things, and failed so many times to overcome this thing that I could finally name.  I wanted to give up, and did on many occasions.  I struggled to be free.  I joined a support group, I prayed, I failed, and I was forgiven…so.many.times.  But I continued to feel stuck, depressed, without hope of ever beating my addiction.

Last year I had a break through.  I felt a freedom that I had never experienced.  I joined an accountability group.  It wasn’t a group specifically for eating disorders. In fact, no one new that I was struggling with a food addiction. But accountability was what I needed to make changes.  I look back over the last two years when I put a name to my struggle with food.  It has not been an easy road, and I’m not finished yet.  Everyday is still a struggle for me.  Some days are easier than others, and somedays I still fail.  But God is forgiving me and healing me more every day.  I feel free from my shame in a way that I didn’t know was possible.  

I’m finally at a point where I feel that it’s time to share my story.  It’s never easy to show people how I’ve failed, or struggled, or sinned.  I still cry when I talk about it.  But it’s a way for me to heal.  God has healed me.  He will continue to heal me.  With God, all things are possible. That’s where my hope comes from.  

http://www.bingeeatingdisorder.com/